Taking the High Road

Nov. 24. Take the High Road:  Write about a time you had to be the bigger person and take the high road.

A few days before my Dad passed away, I was very sick with a nasty stomach virus.  My lupus was irritated and the medications and harsh virus symptoms had thrown me into a major fibro flare.  I was absolutely miserable...  Dad called and we talked, but he could tell I was very sick so he told me to rest for a while and he would call me later.  

About two hours later, Mom called and said that he had coded and was being rushed to the hospital on an ambulance.  So I got dressed and met them at the hospital.  Whenever I called the Nursing Home to speak with one of the nurses (while he was in route) she fussed that I should have been there to see him instead of at home.  In her professional medical opinion, she stated that my "issues" were psychological and I was being selfish.... I knew that I was doing everything I could do to help Dad, going to see him almost every day, having multiple conversations with him over the phone every single day, and doing a lot of surprise checks on  him and the nursing staff - sometimes even twice a day!  I was terrified and was so sick - but I knew that she was also scared... and that my Dad would not want me to show my @$$.  So I took the high road.  

I'm not sure if this is what this post is asking about, but... for me it counts.

Rest in peace, Dad.  I love you. 

Depression

I grew up hearing a good bit about depression, I had family members who suffered with it.  I'm familiar with the bursts of tears, the overwhelming 'what ifs', the desired escape from everyday tasks and the wild cycles of fearlessness that can tumble a family head over heels on the cycle of depression.  What I never realized, until recently, is that there are many symptoms of depression... 

• Lethargy - I'm just tired a lot, fatigue is part of my condition
• Trouble sleeping - Its just fatigue and with the pain levels I can't really rest
• Apathy - I'm still grieving, feeling lost
• Sadness - Again, I'm grieving... I've been through a lot lately.
• Irritability - I'm grieving and in pain, so I'm a little on edge sometimes
• Detaching from friends - well when I'm hurting like this I really don't want to actually do things.  Plus I'm majorly broke - all these meds aren't cheap!
• Appetite and Weight - That is none of your business, but yes I've gained a bit of weight...
• Pain - Hello I have Fibro, Lupus, Diabetes, PCOS, Asthma and Arthritis - aren't you paying attention?  

The problem comes in whenever you have overlapping diagnoses...  Is depression a side effect of an autoimmune disorder?  Or is depression its own sickness that leapt on to the straw piling on the camel's back?  You can see how it can all blend together... 

I have been telling myself for a long time now that I'm not depressed.  I'm fine, just tired.  I'm dealing with everything and just resting.  I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal and I don't sit and cry buckets all the time.  I work full time for crying out loud.  I'm not detached, I'm broke - there's a difference.  I'M FINE!

Well maybe... I mean, that.... That sounds about right.  Shit, maybe I am depressed.

Mom and Dad

For my parents, I miss you both.

Thank you for the time you were in my life and the woman you helped me become. 

I love you,

Always.

I Drive Your Truck by Lee Brice

I miss you Dad, happy birthday. 

O Christmas Tree

It's that time of year!  Children are getting excited about Santa, places are decked out in holiday decorations, commercials have doubled on tv/radio, and everyone is elbowing fellow shoppers for an extra nickle off that (seemingly) brilliant gift idea you seen at a bargain store.  If you are like me, you dread getting asked what you want for Christmas.  Its not that I'm against gift giving, but my money doesn't go far these days.  And when someone asks me what I want, it really reminds me that I have a growing list of gifts I should be hunting down.  I've always been the kind of person that would rather put time into a gift and give something meaningful.  But with energy as scarce as it has been in 2012, even that thought is making me nervous.  

This Christmas season, I feel more lost than I normally do.  I miss my parents so very much and I'm thankful for the family I have with me... But I also feel like I've lost the 'Holiday Spirit'.  I have no desire to put up a Christmas tree, decorate with lights, or even to put together a group of friends to do phone-caroling.  (Which is like regular caroling except its done over speaker phone because I'm a bit lazy.  lol)  

The closest thing to making me feel even a little Christmassy has been this Readers Digest slideshow about Wacky Ways to Decorate Christmas Trees.  Don't freak, they aren't super-crafty-Martha-Stewart type stuff, these are truly creative!  Some made me laugh, one or two made me stare...  It's worth a look! 

Day 27: Pawprints Left by You

This may sound odd to others, but today I am thankful for the special family members I have been blessed to know during my life.  Yes I am thankful for the people in my family but also the animals that made the days so much brighter.  Puppies, kittens, dogs, cats - all rescued by a loving family... they all touched our lives in some way.  

I firmly believe that animals go to Heaven and that one day, I will see them all again. 

Day 17

I am thankful for the memories I have of my parents... and for the videos I have of my Mom on my phone.  

They never fail to make me laugh, even though I seem to miss her even more after watching them.

Day 15: One Year

Today is an extremely difficult day for my family.  One year ago today, my Mom passed away...  While the last 365 days have been the hardest of my life, today I have reached a place of semi-acceptance... where I can honestly say that I am so thankful for the 32 years I had with her.  The last 6 years we became best friends, was a blessing that I didn't expect but am no less grateful for.  

My Boss said something a while back that is really staying with me today... Only a great love, deep respect, and an amazing person can leave a painful hole in someone's life like this... He is right, I miss her more today than I ever thought possible...

I love you Mom, yesterday, today, and always.   

Day 9

This morning, I am so very thankful for God allowing my family to wake up.  When I think about the sweet innocent children in my life - He allows them to wake and begin a new day.... that is something I think I always took for granted, until this morning... 

My thoughts and prayers go out to a very special family and their devastating loss... 

Day 8: Faith in Family

Today, and every day, I am thankful for my extended family.  Losing my parents has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I fear, will ever go through.  My Grandmother, Aunt, Uncles, and close Family Friends have been amazing at supporting me through everything - even though they are also hurting.  Sometimes we get lost in our own grief and don't see the pain of others... I am so very thankful that they seen me...

I know I have shared this video before, but.. today, it is keeping me company in my head.  I wanted to share it here.  

Please pay close attention to the lyrics.

Faith, by Jordin Sparks

Untitled.

I know that it has been a while since I posted regularly.  I would love to say that I'm doing well, just busy with how wonderful life has been. I would love to say that I've met some fabulous people and have spent the last few months secluded away on a private beach. The last few months have been both the longest of my life and gone by faster than I ever imagined. 

Everyone appears to have moved on but I can't...  People are getting married, having babies, moving, getting promotions, etc... And feel like I'm still sitting in that cold hard chair in the waiting room, trying to explain to my Aunt that the doctor just said that Mom may not make it through the night...  I'm trapped in that moment of shock and heartbreak. 

Thank you to everyone who has emailed, called, texted, and checked on me.

Head over heels... literally

This morning started out to be a great day.  It was beautiful outside, I woke up early on my own, was feeling good, and thought I would be early for work.  I needed to make a quick stop at a Walgreens, and on my way out... This happened.  

Yes, I fell.  On the sidewalk.  At a public store.  In front of God and everyone.  Except for me, it wasn't my shoes to blame!  (In The Birdcage, the character that fell says that shoes make him fall down.)  At first my pride was hurt more than anything else, I scrambled to get back on my feet as quickly as possible.  But this really nice lady was trying to help me up and instead of grabbing me she yanked on my pants which slid then down my hips to flash the security camera.  

I got back on my feet, trying to save face and willing myself not to start crying.  Taking a quick mental stock, I confirmed that nothing fell off of me and I didn't see or feel any bleeding.  I limped to my car, in a hurry to get somewhere more private to catch my breath and Miss Jubilee wouldn't start.  Thankfully, I pulled myself together just in time for a truck of older gentlemen to pull in next to me.  They worked for about thirty minutes trying to jump me off, but had no success.  

Even with everything going on, I was thankful to be so blessed.  Yes I fell and embarrassed myself, but I wasn't badly hurt and it wasn't raining so I didn't get wet.  :)   Yes my car wouldn't start, but God sent those two very nice men to try and help me, which was reassuring.  Plus I was somewhere safe when it happened.  I was in a parking lot with video surveillance, the manager said my car could stay there for a while until I could get it fixed.  Thankfully, it was the starter and once Bubbey came and replaced it, Jubi started right up. :)

Towards the end of the evening, even though the painful consequences of my fall were starting to stiffen my joints and ache beyond my imagination, Mom reminded me that everything would be ok... and I felt her love as though she had just hugged me.  Rainbows have always been special for me, magical and made me smile... Mom shared my excitement at catching one of these beautiful weather miracles...  It never fails - when I need her the most, Mom seems to be there for me...  The rainbow that streaked the sky tonight was stunning, bold, and more colorful than anything I've seen in weeks.... 

I love you too Mom, I miss you so very much.

All in all, turned out to be a very good day..  

Now That We're All Booming...

This has got to be one of my favorite scenes from the Golden Girls.  For anyone who hasn't seen it, the Girls are babysitting for a friend and the baby refuses to go to sleep!  So Rose voices one of her many St. Olaf ideas on how to soothe the crying baby.... This is her plan in action. 

I have been having a lot of problems sleeping lately.  I'm not sure what is going on or how to even explain it... but I am confident that others who are either chronically sick or grieving can definitely relate.... Unfortunately, I don't have any tricks or tips on how to handle these sleepless nights....  I imagine being serenaded by the Golden Girls might not put me to sleep but I am confident it would make me smile... and maybe feel less alone during these isolating nights... 

Thinking of Mom

I miss you, Mom.

01/08/1958 to 11/15/2011

Grief

˙·٠•●♥ §☼§ ♥●•٠·

I believe grief is a process that involves a lot of time, energy and determination. I won't "get over it" in a hurt, so don't rush me!

I believe grief is intensely personal. This is my grief. Don't tell me how I should be doing it. Don't tell me what's right or what's wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time.

I believe grief is affecting me in many ways. I am being affected spiritually, physically, emotionally, socially and mentally. If I'm not acting like my old self, it's because I'm not my old self and some days even I don't understand myself.

I believe I will be affected in some way by this loss for the rest of my life. As I get older, I will have new insights into what this death means to me. My loved one will continue to be part of my life and influence me until the day I die.

I believe I am being changed by this process. I see life differently. Some things that were once important to me aren't any more. Some things I used to pay little or no attention to are now important. I think a new me is emerging, so don't be surprised - and don't stand in the way.

--- Don't Tell Me ---
·٠•●♥ §☼§ ♥●•٠·
Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer, don't tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say,
"My friend, I really do care."

Special Thanks to  The Social Butterfly.

Grief and Fibro

Mom passed last night, but Hospice didn't come 'pronounce' her deceased until the wee hours this morning...


I'm tired... numb... and in a hazy surreal state... mainly, I'm just tired.


Grief is hard enough to handle without my body going into a full rebellious flareup.  Hoping fibro waits until after the service to hit.