The content in this blog is based on my experiences and the guidance I have received from my Care Team determined by my individual and evolving needs. Before beginning, trying, or experimenting with anything mentioned in this blog, you MUST CONSULT A PHYSICIAN!!
I grew up hearing a good bit about depression, I had family members who suffered with it. I'm familiar with the bursts of tears, the overwhelming 'what ifs', the desired escape from everyday tasks and the wild cycles of fearlessness that can tumble a family head over heels on the cycle of depression. What I never realized, until recently, is that there are many symptoms of depression...
- Lethargy - I'm just tired a lot, fatigue is part of my condition
- Trouble sleeping - Its just fatigue and with the pain levels I can't really rest
- Apathy - I'm still grieving, feeling lost
- Sadness - Again, I'm grieving... I've been through a lot lately.
- Irritability - I'm grieving and in pain, so I'm a little on edge sometimes
- Detaching from friends - well when I'm hurting like this I really don't want to actually do things. Plus I'm majorly broke - all these meds aren't cheap!
- Appetite and Weight - That is none of your business, but yes I've gained a bit of weight...
- Pain - Hello I have Fibro, Lupus, Diabetes, PCOS, Asthma and Arthritis - aren't you paying attention?
The problem comes in whenever you have overlapping diagnoses... Is depression a side effect of an autoimmune disorder? Or is depression its own sickness that leapt on to the straw piling on the camel's back? You can see how it can all blend together...
I have been telling myself for a long time now that I'm not depressed. I'm fine, just tired. I'm dealing with everything and just resting. I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal and I don't sit and cry buckets all the time. I work full time for crying out loud. I'm not detached, I'm broke - there's a difference. I'M FINE!
Well maybe... I mean, that.... That sounds about right. Shit, maybe I am depressed.
The headline should read:
Fibromyalgia hits Amber!
Yes, that would make me the person stuck under the house. No that doesn't make me a bad witch, but I am less friendly on higher pain days.
This time around, I have been more emotional than I have been in previous flare-ups. I have been stressing much easier over small things that normally would not even phase me. In the past, my medication helps me sleep a little less restlessly, but this current flare-up is an exception.
The Fibro-House may have fallen on me, knocked me down, and delayed my plans of world domination (haha) but as you can see in the picture, I am still ROCKING those ruby slippers! My condition may be able to take me down or push me around, but I will continue to sparkle and shine.... even if it is a little less brightly.
Baggage is a game show that Jerry Springer hosts, it is a dating show crossed with
To Tell the Truth - sorta. The point of the show is that the contestant is presented with three possible daters who have three pieces of "baggage" (unflattering secrets) to reveal. The contestant will then decide who will be eliminated based on their baggage (or ugly truths) The secrets range from mild to wild, with each reveal, the baggage gets worse. Once the contestant selects his/her pick of the available daters, then the contestant reveals a big piece of his/her own baggage and the chosen dater gets to decide if he/she can accept the contestant's baggage or not. This afternoon's episode of Baggage got me thinking... what would three pieces of my baggage be?
The first suitcase is always a some-what minor yet important thing. I think I would use the first piece of luggage to reveal that I live with my Mom. Yes I am independent, I financially contribute to the household and I have responsibilities that come with having your own house. I also take care of my Mom and she helps me on bad days.
The second piece of baggage I would open, would be that I have a chronic illness. Not that my condition is something that I am ashamed of, but it is something I like to put on the table before I become emotionally invested into something or someone. Call me cynical, but not everyone can handle a potential partner with a condition. I would rather put my cards on the table in the beginning, that way no one feels tricked later on. Plus that opens a door for me to talk more about my symptoms and what things I am able to do on my own and what things I can find a way to do.
The biggest suitcase that is revealed in the very last round of questions/answers is the whopper of secrets. So now it is time to reveal my biggest piece of baggage. I am emotionally fragile. Not really a big surprise eh? Once upon a time I was confident and not easily shaken, but since my diagnosis I have really grown to doubt myself. Things effect me in ways now that they never have in the past. Commercials that once made me laugh for how sappy they were now make me teary eyed. Perhaps it is the wild roller coaster that my hormones have been on since the addition of hundreds of medications over the years. Or maybe it is the way that my sleep is interrupted frequently from pain, I can't remember the last time I had a night of good honest sleep that was not medically assisted. Then again, maybe it is because of the rejection I have gone through (doctors, friends, bosses, employees, family members) who didn't believe in my condition or felt that I was "putting on a show" to gain attention. Not to mention that I'm not able to trust my body anymore, I have no way of knowing if tomorrow will be one of energy, pain, tears, or an exhausted emptiness that I can feel down in my toes. If I can't trust my body then how can I trust my emotions?
I understand and admit that everyone, healthy or chronically ill, has baggage. Someone once said "No baggage means you haven't been anywhere." Yet I wonder what does a person with chronic illness bring to the show that someone without might not have? I have friends who have similar insecurities yet they are perfectly healthy. Now that I think about it, my issues have always been my issues ~ I think my condition has just made me more aware of them.
These books have helped me so very much put events and hurts of my past in the past so that I can open my heart up again. It is a work in progress but this book is amazing.
More Information for dealing with emotional baggage:
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
- Elbert Hubbard
I have always been a cautious person, doing my best to think out consequences to ensure whatever decision I am making is a 'good' one. That has gotten a lot worse since my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. Now I tend to factor in the emotional or muscular backlash of what could come next and how that factors into a possible flare-up. Like many with Fibro, I used to go wild on good days, over-extending my body and energy so that by the time night fell, I was completely miserable and hurting. I don't do that anymore, I am still learning proper management of my resources so that I can have as many good days as possible.
There have been days where I miss the freedom of random selection, not having to worry about any kind of triggers that could slow me down days on end. Other times I appreciate the way I take the day minute by minute, enjoying the small things that so many take for granted. I wish there was a way to do both, appreciate each moment yet still live like there is no tomorrow. Perhaps, with this blog's help, I will find that balance.
