The Big Black Dog

  This gives me hope.

Mental Mind Meld

Nov. 21.  Mental Mind Meld.

Mental health issues can affect many other conditions. Write about mental health, emotions, and challenges as they relate to your condition. How does your mental health affect your overall wellbeing?

All month long I dreaded this blog entry - this is what I am struggling with the most right now... I don't know if it is the grief or depression/anxiety that comes with chronic pain... or if it is from my time on the insulin pump and how my 'normal sugar levels' are changing... or if its from my fibro/lupus and the medication changes I've been going through... or could it be depression as my cervical cancer is finally in remission...  or am I having a mid-life crisis because I am 34 and completely utterly alone - so much worse than just being single... or am I just going crazy? 

Whatever it is, I am not doing well with it at all.  Which means I'm not resting well when I have the chance, which leads to problems focusing and concentrating (outside of work)... I feel somewhat normal at work most of the time, so I am spending massive amounts of time there - I have a purpose at work... and that's not good for me either.

So the short answer to the blog question is:  pfft. 

  

Worry About Yourself.

I am definitely having one of those days!  I just want to tell everyone "No thank you, just worry about yourself."  I'm not referring to friends or family members who genuinely care about me and are sincerely checking on me - but for everyone else...  

I'm fine.  Family is fine.

Work is good, just keeping me really busy.  

Thank you for asking.  

Worry about yourself, please.

It's not that I don't care that others care or I mind - its just.... I don't have time to stop and think about how I am and I don't have the energy to try to put it into words so someone else can comprehend.  I just... I do better if I can just keep going.  One foot in front of the other, one day after another.  Healthy or not - I don't know yet.  But thank you for your concern, just worry about yourself :)  

Depression

I grew up hearing a good bit about depression, I had family members who suffered with it.  I'm familiar with the bursts of tears, the overwhelming 'what ifs', the desired escape from everyday tasks and the wild cycles of fearlessness that can tumble a family head over heels on the cycle of depression.  What I never realized, until recently, is that there are many symptoms of depression... 

• Lethargy - I'm just tired a lot, fatigue is part of my condition
• Trouble sleeping - Its just fatigue and with the pain levels I can't really rest
• Apathy - I'm still grieving, feeling lost
• Sadness - Again, I'm grieving... I've been through a lot lately.
• Irritability - I'm grieving and in pain, so I'm a little on edge sometimes
• Detaching from friends - well when I'm hurting like this I really don't want to actually do things.  Plus I'm majorly broke - all these meds aren't cheap!
• Appetite and Weight - That is none of your business, but yes I've gained a bit of weight...
• Pain - Hello I have Fibro, Lupus, Diabetes, PCOS, Asthma and Arthritis - aren't you paying attention?  

The problem comes in whenever you have overlapping diagnoses...  Is depression a side effect of an autoimmune disorder?  Or is depression its own sickness that leapt on to the straw piling on the camel's back?  You can see how it can all blend together... 

I have been telling myself for a long time now that I'm not depressed.  I'm fine, just tired.  I'm dealing with everything and just resting.  I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal and I don't sit and cry buckets all the time.  I work full time for crying out loud.  I'm not detached, I'm broke - there's a difference.  I'M FINE!

Well maybe... I mean, that.... That sounds about right.  Shit, maybe I am depressed.

abandoned

This morning I found out that my doctor is leaving the practice, moving to another office across town.  When I asked if she was taking patients with her, she said that I needed to stay with the existing office...  She had a really good reason - she explained that with my Specialists in the same building/office, that I needed to remain there so it will be easier for them to work together on my case....  

But why do I feel so abandoned?