The content in this blog is based on my experiences and the guidance I have received from my Care Team determined by my individual and evolving needs. Before beginning, trying, or experimenting with anything mentioned in this blog, you

Monday, February 28, 2011

Asking the Wizard...

High winds (83+ mph), massive amounts of rain in a very short period of time.  Trees were struck by the lightening, power lines down, wrecks galore!  Huge trees were either uprooted by the winds or struck by lightening, destroying houses and cars alike.  Green overhead road signs were ripped from the interstate and twisted up and discarded on the sides of the road.  Reminds me a lot about the opening scene to the Wizard of Oz, except no one’s hollering at me to get in the root cellar to protect me from the tornadoes that ripped across Chattanooga.  

Growing up, I always dreamed of going Oz.  I never knew what I would ask the Wizard for though, but now I’m starting to get an idea.  At the end of the movie, Glinda revealed to Dorothy that she always had the power to go home inside of her... she just had to find it.  That kept me from wishing for things from the Wizard growing up, because it reminded me that I had the ability to do everything I desired within me.  But now, as an adult with chronic illnesses, I know what I would request.  I would beg the Wizard for self-acceptance and unconditional (self) love.  Not in the sense that it would make me a self-absorbed vain diva, but in the way that it would allow me to believe in myself – even on bad days, that I am still a good person. 

When the pain is so intense I can barely breath, when I’m so exhausted that getting a drink from the kitchen takes every ounce of will power I possess...  in those moments of complete weakness, exposed in absolute vulnerability...  that my biggest fear begins to fill my mind… that I don’t deserve love.  I don’t mean from my family, friends, or puppy, but romantically.  Everyone I have met with chronic illnesses in my age group was married before their diagnosis.  I wish there was a way to meet others who are single, not with the intention of ‘hooking up’ but because I wonder if I’m the only one that uses my illnesses as a shield to keep others from seeing me...
“You’re a very bad man,” said Dorothy. 
“I’m a very good man,” replied the Wizard, “I’m just a very bad wizard.”
No matter what the circumstances of anyone’s life, self acceptance and unconditional love is about the journey ~ not the destination.  I think it is a bad idea to truly become at ease and complacent with every aspect of life...  Change comes from being uncomfortable, growth is an opportunity that comes with change. 

I am a good person.  I am kind, I give to others and I take care of my family.  I am so very blessed to have a support team that loves me and geniunely likes who I am.  I am doubly blessed to have been kept safe during the tornado touch downs and storms today.  I don’t need the Wizard to help me see that...  but on bad days, the fantasy brings me comfort.  

Plus I’d love to see the horse of a different color... at least once! :)


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